Oh, you are simply BRILLIANT!!!! This is absolutely hilarious!!! I love to laugh...I love satire!!! I love this!!! Nick, let me shake your hand...no, on second thought...Let me give you a standing ovation instead...no phobias associated with that, I hope...ROFL. Cheers! Janine
I have to agree with Janine, this is a brilliant piece of tongue-in- cheek, factual writing! Not only have I learned something, but I even enjoyed the journey there. Your Uncle puts me in mind of my own Uncle Eddie, whom incidentally, is an Australian resident now.
You bring up an interesting point in social manners. Handshaking is not the automatic ritual it used to be. Depending who you're meeting, a nod or "hey, dude" is appropriate. If I'm in new territory, I usually wait for the other guy to extend his hand, especially if "he" is a woman. The motions of hugging or kissing a cheek upon an introduction is a little too presumptuous for me, even though you see celebs on talk shows do it all the time. Sometimes, handshaking can be down right awkward.
"This is Mortimer. He has leprosy." Mortimer says, "Glad to meet you" and extends his hand. Is it o.k. to put your hands in your pockets, nod and say, "hey, dude?"
I enjoyed your article and got a little educated on animals. I think dogs smell each others rear ends.
I stopped worrying about shaking hands when I read the filthiest most germ infested thing you could put in your hand is money. It is passed through several hands, change is in pockets near privates, hidden in shoes, bras, etc.
[Nick: yes, money, pump handles at gas stations, supermarket carts, the list goes on...ahhhh!]
I avoid handshaking. It seems to be more of a male behavior than female, fortunately.
I'm totally onboard with Chiweenie above. I have a serious phobia with $ and tend to run and wash my hands everytime I touch any. I read once that a $1 bill is covered in strep bacteria. That's what started my problem!
The "why" of shaking hands may be simpler than you think. When one shakes hands with another, it is an expression of trust and the reciprocation thereof is an expression of acceptance. Just don't forget to wash your hands afterward.
Grannycheekpincheritis--old grannys that feel the need (even when you're old) to give the cheeks a pinch and make them hurt! My grandparents both worked with the public so when we visited as kids we were around many people my grandparents age. Luckily there were 4 granddaughters so sometimes you could get away but sometimes it was inevitable. I find that I wasn't the only one that suffered this. My BF had a old italian grandma that did it to him too.
I don't like anyone to drink out of my glass, can , or bottle. I didn't like this since I was a small child. I don't like people to do a taste test on anything I am cooking with the spoon I am stirring with. If I catch anyone doing that I replace it with a clean spoon right away. At holiday dinners or actually any dinners I don't like people to take food with their fingers of any dishes that I have already put on the table before the whole dinner is ready, usually the relish tray as I always have lots of different kinds of veggies and dips. If they have to do that I'd rather they did that with a fork or spoon and not their fingers
Uncle Norm just had to be a self sufficent person of caucasion genetics that held manly values and is the nations largest threat to the "sensitive and nuerotic types unsure of their sexual magnetic flux.
We need to regulate and fine people that shake hands, And "Nudge" the public to send e-mails instead. Or introduce modern education of "changing the social NORM (intended pun) greeting standards like "What Up"? "What it be"? The passing of french fry grease, Tobacco smoke, with common hand shakes must become the new American smoking, obesity, and hand shaking war on independent thinking.
Very funny.. you have quite the flair for humour. No weird phobias here.. just the usual spiders, snakes, height and enclosed spaces.. especially all at the same time.
'Is this a dagger I see before me?' Ha ha. It is always interesting to dig into the history of some of our strange rituals, but I don't think you're going to change the handshake thing now Nick!
Thanks for the Clinton-isms you added to my 'liar' comments. I've reprinted it for all the world (or at least my little blogosphere part of it) to see..:)
Well written and quite funny!! I enjoyed my visit here very much. Just popping over from Hilary's and I wanted to say, Congratulations on your POTW award. Well deserved!! And I have learned some valuable lessons...like don't shake hands with Uncle Norman. I would be afraid of that one too!! My fear? Garbage disposals...don't ask!! Ha! Hugs SueAnn
Very funny! I've met my fair share of hand-crushers too, particularly painful when I'm wearing a ring on my right hand! I'm not too keen on social kissing either when I've taken a dislike to the kisser. I can't bear people not washing their hands after they've used a handkerchief or tissue - medical staff particularly!! I hate using handles on 'public' doors on trains, shops and so on and carry wet wipes with me. My children have picked up the habit from me. I don't like library books, either . . . Yes, I'm odd;-)
Thanks to everyone for the comments, and to Hilary for the POTW. Since I’m still rather new to this, I'm not quite sure what that stands for. Publicly Owned Treatment Works? Poor Old Tired Wanker? I’m hoping it’s something like Pick Of The Week. Although, given my history with handshaking and where little fingers may have been probing, “pick” has me worried :)
HAHAHAAAAA!!! This is GREAT! I'll laugh all day over this well-written, incredibly witty piece.
I think lots of people hate handshaking...they just do it because it's expected. Howie Mandell is a well-known germophobe, and especially hates shaking hands. Most people know he's like that, and contestants on his show are told NOT to attempt to grab his hand in greeting. But once in awhile it happens...and it sends him into a true panic attack.
As for me, when I was a kid, I always hated being dragged onto someone's lap. Why do people do that? What makes them think a kid would want to sit on them, anyway? A chair is far more comfortable, and the lap-grabbers then have nothing to do with their arms but wrap them around you. UGH!
My uncle Jack was the worst. He was very old, and his skin was cold and clammy. He FELT dead, long before he actually was. I hated his hands...icky nails, bony fingers, loose flesh. The minute he came in the house, he started trying to get ahold of me. I learned to get OUT of there when I knew he was coming, but sometimes, it couldn't be avoided.
GEEZ....now I think I need a breakfast Margarita.
[Nick: yeah,I love watching Howie turn green when he gets a digit assault....And, I wonder if my Norm and your Jack were related]
And yet, your hand shake with a possible employeer is said to be important. It should be firm while looking directly into the person's eyes. If this is being taught as it is now, why is hand shakeing so bad to some of you? Maybe your not really interested in the job?
I am a closet compulsive-obsessive handwasher. Go through one bottle of alcohol based hand wash per week or so. Still doesn't keep me from getting a cold every year.
Great post. From the time I was knee high I had a fascination with handshakes and still focus, perhaps a little too much, on the hand that is shaking mine. That waned somewhat in the late 90s when my male friends went through the phase of palm tickling. For whatever reason that still makes my skin crawl. What really made my skin crawl, though, was shaking Al Gore's hand. Now THAT was the creepiest handshake I've ever experienced and I had nothing against the guy up until that moment.
I have a weird phobia. I think I am one step away from Howie on this one...and I need to do a blog about it one day. I have to hear things "pop" when I open them. I mean, not the things with the "pop-up" seal on them...but things like Gatorade and bottles of water. Everyone in my house has to shut up when I open up a container of Ocean Spray cranberry juice...as, if I don't hear the "twump" sound...I don't drink it.
I also can't stand the jars of salsa and tomato juice which have the dried debris on their threads. I don't think this is normal - I mean...shouldn't the entire jar be clean...including the threads? The spaghetti sauce people don't even know...I asked them (multiple companies).
I also have a thing about mayonnaise...why don't they come with a pop-up thingy? I mean...it's okay not to be sealed...yet it's deadly if left out and will kill you after two hours at room temp? I don't get it.
Okay...I'm officially writing a blog about this - this is nearly blog-length already.
Laughing out loud here. Very funny piece and I do love your writing style. Personally I hate those handshakes where people give you only their fingers *shudder*
Ha, ha! Wonderful post. I admit I think hand-shaking is a ridiculous. I prefer the smiling and head bobbing method of acknowledging someone. It's makes me look awkward, but at least I don't have to face the physical contact and germs.
I have a cancer (and stem cell transplant) survivor who refuses to shake people's hands, even at church. Rightfully so, I say, because she has such a compromised immune system.
Hello, Nick. *waves from a polite distance* I'm here via Hilary's. I liked your piece, bone crushing Uncles being the bane of existence for children the world over.
You could always get busy with the sinning, you know. More fun, less chances of heavenly uncles wringing your (non-corporeal) hand to the point of distress. I kid, I kid. I don't believe in that sort of stuff anyway.
But I did like your post, about that I was serious :-)
I had somebody almost break my hand with a super strong handshake...and that was in church. I'm with you...too many germs. We don't have to shake on it but I did sign up to follow you. Stop by my place and join the party. Fist bumps allowed.
You definitely have the gift for humor. I'm not crazy about handshaking. The shakes that creep me out the most are those really loose, limp ones. I'm not quite sure what to do so I tickle the person's palm with my middle finger*. That usually makes them stiffen up immediately.
Never did like handshaking anyway. 
40 comments:
I'm not a professional but I'd say you were indeed a rather strange child. Glad you're "normal" now.
Here in Chicago, the handshake and dagger-free thing is replaced by a very high five to show you're not carrying a concealed hand gun!
Oh, you are simply BRILLIANT!!!! This is absolutely hilarious!!! I love to laugh...I love satire!!! I love this!!! Nick, let me shake your hand...no, on second thought...Let me give you a standing ovation instead...no phobias associated with that, I hope...ROFL. Cheers! Janine
I have to agree with Janine, this is a brilliant piece of tongue-in- cheek, factual writing! Not only have I learned something, but I even enjoyed the journey there. Your Uncle puts me in mind of my own Uncle Eddie, whom incidentally, is an Australian resident now.
You bring up an interesting point in social manners. Handshaking is not the automatic ritual it used to be. Depending who you're meeting, a nod or "hey, dude" is appropriate. If I'm in new territory, I usually wait for the other guy to extend his hand, especially if "he" is a woman. The motions of hugging or kissing a cheek upon an introduction is a little too presumptuous for me, even though you see celebs on talk shows do it all the time. Sometimes, handshaking can be down right awkward.
"This is Mortimer. He has leprosy." Mortimer says, "Glad to meet you" and extends his hand. Is it o.k. to put your hands in your pockets, nod and say, "hey, dude?"
I enjoyed your article and got a little educated on animals. I think dogs smell each others rear ends.
I stopped worrying about shaking hands when I read the filthiest most germ infested thing you could put in your hand is money. It is passed through several hands, change is in pockets near privates, hidden in shoes, bras, etc.
[Nick: yes, money, pump handles at gas stations, supermarket carts, the list goes on...ahhhh!]
I avoid handshaking. It seems to be more of a male behavior than female, fortunately.
I'm totally onboard with Chiweenie above. I have a serious phobia with $ and tend to run and wash my hands everytime I touch any. I read once that a $1 bill is covered in strep bacteria. That's what started my problem!
What a great post..I laughed out loud several times..I love the way you write!
The "why" of shaking hands may be simpler than you think. When one shakes hands with another, it is an expression of trust and the reciprocation thereof is an expression of acceptance. Just don't forget to wash your hands afterward.
Great post...keep 'em coming!
Grannycheekpincheritis--old grannys that feel the need (even when you're old) to give the cheeks a pinch and make them hurt! My grandparents both worked with the public so when we visited as kids we were around many people my grandparents age. Luckily there were 4 granddaughters so sometimes you could get away but sometimes it was inevitable. I find that I wasn't the only one that suffered this. My BF had a old italian grandma that did it to him too.
I don't like anyone to drink out of my glass, can , or bottle. I didn't like this since I was a small child. I don't like people to do a taste test on anything I am cooking with the spoon I am stirring with. If I catch anyone doing that I replace it with a clean spoon right away. At holiday dinners or actually any dinners I don't like people to take food with their fingers of any dishes that I have already put on the table before the whole dinner is ready, usually the relish tray as I always have lots of different kinds of veggies and dips. If they have to do that I'd rather they did that with a fork or spoon and not their fingers
Uncle Norm just had to be a self sufficent person of caucasion genetics that held manly values and is the nations largest threat to the "sensitive and nuerotic types unsure of their sexual magnetic flux.
We need to regulate and fine people that shake hands, And "Nudge" the public to send e-mails instead. Or introduce modern education of "changing the social NORM (intended pun) greeting standards like "What Up"? "What it be"?
The passing of french fry grease, Tobacco smoke, with common hand shakes must become the new American smoking, obesity, and hand shaking war on independent thinking.
Very funny.. you have quite the flair for humour. No weird phobias here.. just the usual spiders, snakes, height and enclosed spaces.. especially all at the same time.
I do not share dairy products with anyone for any reason. Milk is highly unstable.
'Is this a dagger I see before me?' Ha ha. It is always interesting to dig into the history of some of our strange rituals, but I don't think you're going to change the handshake thing now Nick!
Thanks for the Clinton-isms you added to my 'liar' comments. I've reprinted it for all the world (or at least my little blogosphere part of it) to see..:)
Well written and quite funny!! I enjoyed my visit here very much. Just popping over from Hilary's and I wanted to say, Congratulations on your POTW award. Well deserved!!
And I have learned some valuable lessons...like don't shake hands with Uncle Norman. I would be afraid of that one too!!
My fear? Garbage disposals...don't ask!! Ha!
Hugs
SueAnn
Hilary, over at Smitten Image has found a gem for us in your blog and given you a mention for her 'POTW'.
This is hilarious.
Very funny! I've met my fair share of hand-crushers too, particularly painful when I'm wearing a ring on my right hand! I'm not too keen on social kissing either when I've taken a dislike to the kisser. I can't bear people not washing their hands after they've used a handkerchief or tissue - medical staff particularly!! I hate using handles on 'public' doors on trains, shops and so on and carry wet wipes with me. My children have picked up the habit from me. I don't like library books, either . . . Yes, I'm odd;-)
I think we should just bump fists. I also am not a fan of shaking hands, most people don't wash their hands ...
Thanks to everyone for the comments, and to Hilary for the POTW. Since I’m still rather new to this, I'm not quite sure what that stands for. Publicly Owned Treatment Works? Poor Old Tired Wanker? I’m hoping it’s something like Pick Of The Week. Although, given my history with handshaking and where little fingers may have been probing, “pick” has me worried :)
I think we should just bump fists. I also am not a fan of shaking hands, most people don't wash their hands ...
Worry not, Nick. It stands for Posts of the Week (as indicated in my post title). ;)
I had to chuckle at this post!
I don't mind a good firm handshake but I really hate damp and limp ones! They might just as well not bother.
I liked your definition as to how handshaking probably started. Sounds very credible.
Maggie X
Nuts in May
HAHAHAAAAA!!! This is GREAT! I'll laugh all day over this well-written, incredibly witty piece.
I think lots of people hate handshaking...they just do it because it's expected. Howie Mandell is a well-known germophobe, and especially hates shaking hands. Most people know he's like that, and contestants on his show are told NOT to attempt to grab his hand in greeting. But once in awhile it happens...and it sends him into a true panic attack.
As for me, when I was a kid, I always hated being dragged onto someone's lap. Why do people do that? What makes them think a kid would want to sit on them, anyway? A chair is far more comfortable, and the lap-grabbers then have nothing to do with their arms but wrap them around you. UGH!
My uncle Jack was the worst. He was very old, and his skin was cold and clammy. He FELT dead, long before he actually was. I hated his hands...icky nails, bony fingers, loose flesh. The minute he came in the house, he started trying to get ahold of me. I learned to get OUT of there when I knew he was coming, but sometimes, it couldn't be avoided.
GEEZ....now I think I need a breakfast Margarita.
[Nick: yeah,I love watching Howie turn green when he gets a digit assault....And, I wonder if my Norm and your Jack were related]
Don't like it when a guy grabs the ends of your fingers so you can't get a firm squeeze going. Like milk shakes, tho.
And yet, your hand shake with a possible employeer is said to be important. It should be firm while looking directly into the person's eyes. If this is being taught as it is now, why is hand shakeing so bad to some of you? Maybe your not really interested in the job?
I am a closet compulsive-obsessive handwasher. Go through one bottle of alcohol based hand wash per week or so. Still doesn't keep me from getting a cold every year.
Great post. From the time I was knee high I had a fascination with handshakes and still focus, perhaps a little too much, on the hand that is shaking mine. That waned somewhat in the late 90s when my male friends went through the phase of palm tickling. For whatever reason that still makes my skin crawl. What really made my skin crawl, though, was shaking Al Gore's hand. Now THAT was the creepiest handshake I've ever experienced and I had nothing against the guy up until that moment.
my cats sniff each other's butts and then hiss
I don't like the sniffing part for myself but I would love to be able to openly hiss at people
this was fun to read
bravo on POTW
Congrats on the POTW.
I have no phobia to handshaking, except when I work a trade show. All the worst hands seem to show up there.
I have a weird phobia. I think I am one step away from Howie on this one...and I need to do a blog about it one day. I have to hear things "pop" when I open them. I mean, not the things with the "pop-up" seal on them...but things like Gatorade and bottles of water. Everyone in my house has to shut up when I open up a container of Ocean Spray cranberry juice...as, if I don't hear the "twump" sound...I don't drink it.
I also can't stand the jars of salsa and tomato juice which have the dried debris on their threads. I don't think this is normal - I mean...shouldn't the entire jar be clean...including the threads? The spaghetti sauce people don't even know...I asked them (multiple companies).
I also have a thing about mayonnaise...why don't they come with a pop-up thingy? I mean...it's okay not to be sealed...yet it's deadly if left out and will kill you after two hours at room temp? I don't get it.
Okay...I'm officially writing a blog about this - this is nearly blog-length already.
Laughing out loud here. Very funny piece and I do love your writing style. Personally I hate those handshakes where people give you only their fingers *shudder*
Ha, ha! Wonderful post. I admit I think hand-shaking is a ridiculous. I prefer the smiling and head bobbing method of acknowledging someone. It's makes me look awkward, but at least I don't have to face the physical contact and germs.
I have a cancer (and stem cell transplant) survivor who refuses to shake people's hands, even at church. Rightfully so, I say, because she has such a compromised immune system.
Great to "meet" you, Nick!
Hello, Nick. *waves from a polite distance* I'm here via Hilary's. I liked your piece, bone crushing Uncles being the bane of existence for children the world over.
You could always get busy with the sinning, you know. More fun, less chances of heavenly uncles wringing your (non-corporeal) hand to the point of distress. I kid, I kid. I don't believe in that sort of stuff anyway.
But I did like your post, about that I was serious :-)
I had somebody almost break my hand with a super strong handshake...and that was in church. I'm with you...too many germs. We don't have to shake on it but I did sign up to follow you. Stop by my place and join the party. Fist bumps allowed.
When I was a young child, older people always seemed to pinch my cheeks. Then, they'd exclaim about how rosy my cheeks were. huh? lol
Yet another reason I'm thankful that I'm not a lobster
An Arkies Musings
Hi, Nick!!! Just checking in to see if you have any more wonderful words for us!! Cheers! Janine
You definitely have the gift for humor. I'm not crazy about handshaking. The shakes that creep me out the most are those really loose, limp ones. I'm not quite sure what to do so I tickle the person's palm with my middle finger*. That usually makes them stiffen up immediately.
*Lie
Hi Nick thanks for your comment, i guess the handshake is a progression from a club over the head!
what a fun post to read, I guess I'm one of those women who squeak at the sight of a mouse....eeewwww.
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