Jest A Moment: The Renaming of America

The "Gulf of America"? Mt. McKinley? Well, it's about time. But these changes don't go far enough. My suggestions to continue with the renaming of America appeared in today's Hartford Courant. But if you can't access it, it's copied below.

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Recently, the new U.S. Administration announced some notable geographic name changes. Maps may soon display the “Gulf of America” and, as the highest peak in North America, Mt. McKinley will again bear its historic name as a tribute to a great American leader. Never again will a school child return home, sobbing over supper, about the disrespect shown to this memorable president.

While these changes mark a positive step toward restoring the United States' global respect and dominance, they do not go far enough. What other actions can we take to continue this progress?

First up, obviously, New Mexico has to go. And we can all be proud that “New America” even has a county named McKinley, too. But Curry County? Oh dear. That’s far too South Asian. “Donut County” would better reflect American dietary habits. And while we’re at it, let’s change the name of “New America’s” impossible-to-spell largest city to Albert’s Car Key. Even an eighth-grade dropout could spell that.

Other state names need some fixing, too. Illinois just sounds sad and sick. Wellinois is much healthier for a great nation in recovery. I’m not keen on Mississippi, either. Why should single women always receive such prominent recognition? Mrs-issippi will honor the wives who helped build the country, while retaining the same pronunciation so as not to confound those poor souls in the South.

There was a time when some two dozen U.S. companies produced all the nation’s pencils. Today, however, most are imported from China and other non-American countries. Even the few U.S. pencil producers still in operation mostly rely on raw materials sourced from abroad. This is a disgraceful manufacturing error that needs to be erased.

We must return all the pencil-making jobs to America. We have sufficient wood here, too. I was reading recently that there’s plenty of raw materials in California – a whole forest of redwood trees just standing around doing nothing. Saw, baby, saw.

Where to relocate all the pencil companies? An industrial northern location perhaps. But the obvious state was named after a guy called Penn which would horrify any devoted pencil manufacturer worth their weight in lead. Clearly, another wise state name change is in order because they would all happily relocate to Pencilvania.

We also need to abandon this naming infatuation for old European monarchs. So let’s overhaul Maryland and replace with Marcoland in honor of our great new Secretary of State. And Vladiminia surely must replace Virginia (new capital: Richman). If we can’t rename a state after a communist dictator, how will we ever become respected by leaders of authoritarian nations?

Louisianna was named after Louis XIV of France, a ruler known for his vanity. Even though he fathered enough illegitimate children to start his own football team, he insisted on prancing around Europe dressed in lace, ruffles, and ribbons. Naming a proud state after such a prissy philanderer is a royal embarrassment today. Any tough blue-blooded American named Lou could beat the crap out of some regal flirty Frenchy called Louis. The Pelican State should now proudly be known as Louburg.

Finally, one state capital is long overdue for a name update to rid ourselves of an unpatriotic non-American link. Kentucky’s capital, Frankfort, reeks of German intrusion. Hotdog, Kentucky, is far more palatable.